Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hopeless Applicants

Goodness Gracious Me

I recently put a job ad in The Star Classifieds. The purpose was to hire around 4 new marketing executives, but judging by the response so far, I'll be considered extremely friggin fortunate if I even manage to land a single good candidate.

The quality of the applications are hopeless! Hopeless I tell ya!!

I have received quite a few applications already, but just looking at them is enough to make my eyes water, my nose run and my balls shrivel up and drop off.

In fact, I think they already have :P

In view of the multitudes of clueless job seekers in Malaysia, here are a few tips when it comes to applying for a job. Presenting, Bernard's Cultural Guide to Job-Hunting for make benefit glorious nation of clueless people.

#1 - Include a freakin cover letter!

Don't lah just send me an empty email with a 2-page attachment containing your information. You think I'm a mind reader issit? Say lah what you're sending this in for, what position are you interested in etc. For all I know, you could be some spam-bot which sends out gazillions of mails with innocent looking attachments in the hope that a person will be foolish enough to open it thus causing his or her PC to implode on itself as the unleashed virus runs amok.

#2 - Provide detailed information on your career history

You have no idea how many people fail when it comes to this. A lot of them give crap information such as 'I worked at Ah Kow Sdn Bhd as a Junior Executive'. What the?? What in the world am I supposed to read from that?

Describe what it is your company does, and also your job duties and achievements. Unless of course you don't have any major achievements. If that's the case, then try to think of something noteworthy which you can crap about. For example, 'I successfully managed to streamline my company's data storing processes, resulting in increased efficiency and effectiveness'. Translation, I arranged my company's file folders in neat little stacks in alphabetical order. See? It isn't that hard right?

#3 - State your expected salary

Coz if you don't, I assume that you're willing to work for free.

#4 - Include a photo you pansy!

Despite stating in my job ad that I wanted applicants to include a passport photo, many of them chose not to. Why so shy lah? Do you have some hideous deformity, or some huge growth sticking out of your left ear-lobe?? Yeesh.

The only excuses for not sending a photo are (i) your face recently appeared on the front page of The Star under the headline 'Suspected Serial Dog Molester', (ii) you live in a land where cameras are thought to be of the devil and therefore banned (a land such as Terengganu, Kelantan, and any other PAS controlled area), and (iii) you're ugly.

If none of the above apply, then please oh please just send in a photo as well lah.

In conclusion

Follow my 4 quick and easy steps above and be on your way to a successful and glittering career! No longer will interviewers laugh in your face! No longer will they hurl abuse and human excrement after you once the interview is over! Walk into any interview with confidence knowing that you've followed Bernard's sound advice and are therefore ready for anything the employer may throw at you (except human excrement of course).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

#3 - State your past, current and expected salary

Coz if you don't, I assume that you're willing to work for free.

This is very wrong. Past/Current salaries are none of your business. It is Private and Confidential.

I filter out all ads with these intrusive requirements, and blacklist the employers who post ads asking for those information.

Now you wonder why nobody applied, because your ad shows the type of employer you are, not willing to negotiate and just want cheap labor, and also have no respect for things PnC.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Bernard Yong said...

Oops, my bad. I intended to put only 'expected salary' but I got carried away. And actually, I got a stack load of applications, but the majority of them didn't even state their expected salary. That is what I'm griping about in the post, not on their past salaries.

Just wondering, which job recruitment company are you affiliated with? I've met up with several headhunters throughout my career and salaries were one thing we discussed freely. Is that normal?

One last thing, I don't appreciate you branding me as an employer who is not willing to negotiate. I believe in richly rewarding good employees, as the people currently under my can testify. Don't be so quick to judge and assume.

2:27 PM  
Blogger F.O.N. said...

Guess it shows how serious some 'job-seekers' are. My org was doing recruitment for a managerial position. Some didn't even turn up for the interview even after an appointment had been made. Not a call to say they are not coming.

It's even worse if you are looking for executive level position. No-shows are abundant! Even for 2nd round interviews.

I would say what you gave was good advice. I'm assuming you are still going through the applications. Just brace yourself when they speak during the interviews... if they turn up!

All the best dude!

3:59 PM  
Blogger Bernard Yong said...

fon: Hey, good to hear from you... heheh. Thanks dude, I'm bracing myself already :)

4:15 PM  
Blogger Jon's growth and comedy central said...

dang, bernard.

thanks for the tips.

should be something to consider since i am down under, much more.

have a happy new year.

12:04 PM  

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